How to master your opening line, according to a dating coach | British GQ

First impressions, as they say, count for a lot. Perhaps nowhere is this truer than on the best dating apps: Hinge, Bumble, Tinder, Feeld and Christian Mingle, where fumbling your opening gambit can give way to eternal silence. If you’re struggling to make your way into free-flowing conversation, it might be time to reconsider your approach – or more specifically, your opening line.

Blaine Anderson, a dating coach who has helped thousands of men get out of their dating slump, says it’s best to steer clear of generic openers. Unsurprisingly, ‘hey what’s up?’ or ‘how was your weekend?’ is unlikely to get you noticed. “Women are getting way more matches than men,” Anderson explains. “So, the struggle for guys is: how do you stand out?”

Anderson says it’s best to avoid complimenting someone on their physical appearance as an opener. “Telling her ‘you’re beautiful’ is referencing something that she doesn’t necessarily have any choice in,” she says. “And, if she truly is beautiful, she's been hearing that from men for years – so it doesn't accomplish standing out.”

Instead, try giving her a compliment that she’ll actually appreciate. “If you're like, ‘you have amazing style. Or, ‘those are cool sneakers – I'm a sneakerhead,’ then you're complimenting her on something that she's chosen for herself, and also showing her something about you – either that you respect style, or that you’re into sneakers.”

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As Anderson points out, it’s a good idea to open with a question so there’s something for her to respond to, and to make it specific to her profile. The question could be about their pet, or asking where a holiday snap was taken. In fact, surveys conducted by OkCupid indicate that users most like being asked questions.

One opener Anderson suggests is: “Hey [name of person], do you know what I love about your profile?” The person you’re messaging will likely want to know the answer, so you’re more likely to get a reply. “You can then follow up with something like, ‘I can tell you like travelling.'”

Most importantly, you want to bring up a topic you’ll know she wants to talk about. “If you're asking something that she might not want to talk about, that's not going to be good motivation for her to respond.”

If you can’t find anything in their profile to comment on, it might be worth assessing whether this is someone you actually want to get to know. “Ask yourself: why do you want to match with her or chat with her anyway?” she says. “If you can’t find anything to talk to her about, what are you going to talk about on a date?”

Anderson stresses that we should keep the chat on dating apps light and fun. The more serious discussions can come later down the line. “You're really just trying to create enough interest and intrigue that she wants to go on a date with you. And what do people really want out of a first date? They want to have fun – so demonstrate that you’re fun,” says Anderson.

This is backed up by one Tinder study which showed that jokes made women more likely to want to date than a generic opening. However the study also showed the combination of jokes with objectifying compliments about appearance backfired (think: ‘Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only 10 I see.’).

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In a viral TikTok, Dani Coco suggests some potential openers, noting that “boring questions get boring answers”. This includes asking someone to describe their week in three words that begin with the first letter of her name. Coco also suggests opening with a “scale of one to ten” question, such as “on a scale of one to ten, how willing are you to let me borrow your dog?”

She also suggests opening with a “would you rather” question based on something in their profile. “These things aren’t revolutionary,” says Coco, “but they catch my attention because they’re not the same thing I see all the time.”

Whatever route you choose to go down with your opener, you’ll want to make sure it’s easy to respond to. “Don't try to make a super complicated joke,” says Anderson. “Don't try to be sarcastic – it doesn’t translate well over text. Don't try to use a sexual innuendo. These are all going to be a turn off from somebody that she doesn't know.”

So you sent off that perfect opener, and got no response: now what? Anderson says if there’s someone you’re really excited about, it’s OK to follow up. “Keep it simple, like the word ‘nudge’ and a happy face”. But you’ll want to make sure you’ve waited at least four or five days before sending that follow up.

Anderson adds that “following up shouldn’t be your default” – and if someone has blanked your first message, you’ll want to adjust your expectation. As Anderson says, “Even if you do get a response, if she's someone who already has not responded to you, like the likelihood of there being drop off becomes higher.”